Me: “Thank you for calling *** business customer service. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Where y’all at, India?!”

Me: “No sir, I’m in Maine.”

Customer: “Maine? Where the h***’s that?”

Me: “Northern New England, sir.”

Customer: “England, I thought you sounded funny.”

(Note I have a VERY slight New England accent and this guy sounded like a Southern good ol’ boy).

Me: “No, NEW England sir, northeastern United States.”

Customer: “Oh, up in Canada then! Well you done learned English pretty good I guess!”

Me: “…”

Related:
Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Inns and Suites, how may I help you tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, my plane was delayed, so I need to cancel my reservation in Vegas and get a room here.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Let me look that up for you.”

(I take his information, call the hotel, and talk them into canceling the reservation even though their policy said he should have had to pay for it because of the short notice. I put in the extra effort because I felt bad for the guy.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ve taken care of that and made you a new reservation at a hotel there. Your total for the room is going to be $89.”

Customer: “But my flight was delayed and I had to cancel my other reservation. My stay should be free!”

Me: “Well, you’ll have to check with the airline. They should pay for all or part of your hotel stay.”

Customer: “They told me you’d pay for it.”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why they would have told you that. The airline is responsible for the delay. We are not and we can’t give you a free stay. You’re going to have to talk to them.”

Customer: “Look, you’re going to give me a f****ing free night in the f****ing hotel here. You have to. My flight was canceled.”

Me: “Sir, I have to ask you not to curse at me. I will terminate the call.”

Customer: “Look, b****–” *click*

(I received five or six hang up calls in the next 30 minutes, which I assume were his attempts to get another agent. Unfortunately for him, I was the only person working after midnight. I no longer felt bad for him.)

(I was waiting in line and overheard a conversation between the customer in front of me and postman at the front counter.)

Customer:  ”I need to ship this package out.”

Postman: “Okay, would you like to upgrade this to priority shipping?”

Customer: “No, I just want to send this by regular mail.  I don’t need anything else or any other services.”

Postman: “Okay, that’ll be $10.00 for the shipping. Do you need any stamps today?”

Customer: “No! No stamps, no certified mail, no post office box, no passport. I just need to ship this package out–that’s it. Did I miss anything?!”

Postman, without skipping a beat: “Do you need any money orders today, ma’am?”

(Everyone else waiting in line including myself dies laughing.)

Me: “Xbox 360 customer service, how may I help you?”

Client: “Yes, my Xbox 360 isn’t working, but it doesn’t have that red light thingy in the front. I DEMAND to know what is wrong with it!”

Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to be a little more specific. Is your power supply functioning properly?”

Client: “Of course it is, do I sound stupid to you?”

Me: “No sir… can I get your console number?”

Client: “On the bottom of the disk drive?”

Me: “No, its not–”

Client: “OHHH, I found the problem, there was some baloney in the disk drive…” *click*

(Background: I work at a small round lake about a mile in diameter. From any point on the shore you can see the edge of the lake all around. The lake is used for fishing and as such is full of sand and seaweed and fish.)

Patron: “Hi, can you tell me what ocean this is?”

Me: “Sir, this is a fresh water man-made lake, not an ocean.”

Patron: “I mean, what ocean is it connected to?”

Me: “It’s not connected to an ocean. It’s a man-made lake.”

(The patron pauses and obviously decides to come at this from another angle.)

Patron: “What river feeds this lake?”

Me: “This lake used to be a gravel pit before they filled it in with water. It’s not connected to the river system. It’s man-made.”

Patron: “Well, where does all the water come from?”

Me: “The lake is filled with rainwater, mostly.”

Patron: “That’s awful! I don’t want to let my kids swim in rain water… it’s dirty. You should keep the rain out of the lake!”

Me: *sarcastically* “I totally agree. Maybe we can spend tax dollars on a tarp to cover the lake when it rains.”

Patron: “That’s an excellent idea! I hope you mention that to your supervisors!”

(This all began over the phone with a male customer who hadn’t received a instruction manual with their game.)

Me: “Okay, so you didn’t receive a manual correct?”

Male Customer: “Yes, that’s correct. Can I bring it in and exchange it for another that has a manual?”

Me: “Of course, just bring in both the game and the receipt.”

Male Customer:“Ok, great. I should be there in about half an hour.”

Me: “Sounds good.”

(Half an hour later…)

Male Customer: “Hey, I called about returning my game without the manual.”

Me: “Oh yeah, sure. I’ve got the game ready for you and everything. So all I need is the receipt…”

(A look of horror crosses the customer’s face, which is quickly replaced with a look of feigned puzzlement.)

Male Customer: “… receipt?”

Me: “Yes, receipt.”

Male Customer: “You didn’t tell me to bring a receipt. Can we do it without it?”

Me: “Er… no. I very specifically told you to bring one so we could do the transaction. Also, I need to know the games from our store.”

Male Customer: “No, you didn’t! Look, I just drove across town to get here to get this stupid manual from you guys because you didn’t give it to me!”

Me: “That was a factory defect sir, we don’t package the games, we just sell them. Also, there’s nothing I can do without a receipt.”

Male Customer: “Well, can’t you just open that one–” *points to the new game I’ve pulled out for him* “–and give me the manual from there?”

Me: “No, that would leave us with another game with no manual, only it wouldn’t be in our system. We can’t do the transaction and we also need to know that it’s from our store first.”

Male Customer: “Look dude, just give it to me, your boss doesn’t have to know!”

(I glance to my side where my manager is standing with a badge that says “Manager”. He sighs and quite calmly says… )

Manager: “Sir, please go home, be a man and learn the game without reading the manual first. Thank you. Goodbye.”

(A customer takes a free sample from a barrel marked “FREE DOG BISCUITS”.)

Woman: “Are these free?”

Me: “Yes, those are free samples.”

Woman: “What are they?” *rips package open*

Me: “Those are dog biscuits, ma’am.”

Woman: *takes a bite of the DOG BISCUITS* “These are the worst cookies I’ve ever tasted!”

Me: “No doubt…”

(I work in an insurance agency in the middle of a downtown shopping district. A customer called and asked to be transferred to the agent with the desk by the window.)

Me: “Hi, this is ***** speaking. Can I get your last name, please?”

Customer: “It’s Clark, but what do you need that for?”

Me: “Well, each agent deals with a different segment of the alphabet, so clients with last names beginning with A-H go to Joan. I will need to transfer you.”

Customer: “Does Joan have a desk by the window?”

Me: “Uh… no, ma’am, but she will have all of your files. If you can hold for a moment, I will transfer you.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to talk to Joan. I want to talk to you. You are the one who sits near the window, aren’t you?”

Me: “Yes, but as I said–”

Customer: “Look, I don’t want to talk to anyone but you! Joan doesn’t sit near the window, so she can’t help me. I need to talk to someone who has view of the street.”

Me: “Um, okay–”

Customer: “Now if you are done, would you please tell me what the name of the curtain shop across the street from you is called?”

Me: “Huh? Uh, Country Curtains.”

Customer: “Thank you. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” *hangs up*

Me: “…”

(Note: this is something I witnessed.)

Clerk: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for this movie. I rented it before, but I want it again.”

Clerk: “Sure thing, what’s the title?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know. ”

Clerk: “What was it about?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Clerk: “Well, do you remember what the cover looked like?”

Customer: “No, not really.”

Clerk: “Who was in it?”

Customer: “I didn’t pay attention. ”

Clerk: “…”

Customer: “…”

Clerk: “Sir, I can’t find the movie without any details.”

Customer: “Isn’t that your job?!”

Related:
(Telepathic) Help Wanted, Part 2
(Telepathic) Help Wanted

(In our hospital sleep lab, we have a bunch of rooms with beds for people to sleep on. Every room is monitored and recorded with a video camera so we can watch the patients while they’re sleeping. One day, my daughter’s math teacher came in…)

Me: “Hey, Mr. ***! Let me hook you up and you can get to sleep.”

Mr. ***: “Alright.”

(I hook him up and tell him to try to sleep as quickly as he can. We don’t give our patients sleep medication because that could interfere with their normal sleep habits. As I return to the control room, I hear hysterical laughter.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Coworker: “Who did you say that guy was?”

Me: “Oh! My daughter’s math teacher at her high school.”

(Everyone laughs harder.)

Me: “What is going on??”

(My coworker points to the screen showing Mr. ***’s room. He’s masturbating.)

Me, over the intercom: “MR. ***, PLEASE! You are being recorded!”

Mr. ***: “But you said to go to sleep as fast as I can!”  

Me: “That’s not appropriate!”

Mr. ***: “Well, fine! I guess a man can’t get any privacy when he’s trying to sleep! YOU’RE inappropriate! Why the h*** were you watching me?!” *gets dressed and storms out of the hospital*